When the Covenant don't want to fight anymore
by Norsehound
Summary: My shamless attempt at Halo humor (Hello) What happens if the Covenant sprites don't want to be blown up anymore? What do they do? What do the say? What else do they do? Well here's some idea...


When the Covenant don't want to fight anymore  
By Norsehound  
  
  
Disclaimer: It would be awesome if I commanded Halo and Bungie...but I don't. All this stuff is made of pure fandom and the urge to make random humor for no apparent reason (And if there is, then who's looking for it?) And just in case for this kick-off pilot episode, the little parts played by the Transformer people over in my Sleeping series don't belong to me either. For more information as to what they are, go to the Transformers section of FF.net and look 'em up, or go to Norsehound's (Mine...I'm Norsehound right? Yeah I think so...) and find 'em there. Yeah. READ!  
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So what does happen?  
Well this story of absurd proportions starts all on Halo. Yes, on Halo, where this whole mess began and where the creators of Bungie (Through their slave masters Microsoft!) made millions on the game now made for X-box.  
But this isn't about the politics of the universe, for the question here was what the hell did they do when several covenant grunts decide there is something better to do other than mindlessly throw their AI-driven bodies at the main character to become cannon fodder in an endless yet enjoyable first-person shooter game with flashy graphics.  
For those of you who have read the fictions by the same author, those fictions starting with the 'Why there aren't any more Decepticons,' of the Transformers universe may have some idea as to what the hell is going to happen next.  
For those of you who don't give a damn or have any sort of remote clue as to what I just said in the last paragraph (If the formatting is right, I can't get it anywhere close to correct in FF.net's system) then all will become as clear as...er...a window in a moment or two.  
  
As said before, this takes place on Halo. Though I am quite aware the Pandora's box of the Flood was unleashed by the foolish Captain Keys in his search for power and through the guidance of the plot, our story begins on the wreak of the Pillar of Autumn, where Covenant troopers had already gone to...  
  
One Grunt was cruising the hallways and looking up at the menus.  
It was in the last level, just outside the galley in the food storage units. This Grunt was looking over the menu for something to eat.  
"Bob!" Called a voice as an Elite walked in, "What are you doing!?"  
"I wanna Coca-Cola!!" Demanded the pint-sized midget as it hopped up to hit the soda button- but was painfully out of reach, "Aw Damn!"  
The Elite looked at the machine and then at the Grunt, "You realize if you drink that you'll die from oxygen poisoning. You can't take that thing off."  
"So what? I wanna cola!"  
The Elite replied, "I don't want to see you die."  
"Why not?"  
"...We have to save you for the main character. He's supposed to gun you down with one of those nifty assault rifle things. Or the Flood marches in and wastes you."  
"Yeah but...don'cha become one of them?"  
"Nah. I'm supposed to Die." Replied the Elite, "No way I'm letting some Pokemon reject claim my body."  
"You rock Ninjio!"  
"Why thank you." Replied the Elite as he tapped the cola button and a free soda came down to the platform. He set down his Plasma rifle, popped the top and examined the can.  
"What's the matter?"  
The Elite answered, "How am I supposed to drink this? I mean, my mouth well..." He opened and closed his jaws to confirm his statement.  
Then he shrugged and pried off the top of the can with his jaws and drunk down the entire thing.  
The Grunt looked up at the Elite with the unpronounceable name and asked, "Is it good?"  
"...Sorta. I didn't know these humans liked drinking acid."  
"Hey, the other guys do it all the time!"  
Ninjio tossed the bottom half of the can to an inaccessible part of the level, "If anyone sees that then blame it on the effects department."  
"Your secret's safe with me." Replied the Grunt.  
Thn Joe and Fred the Grunts ran into the room wailing.  
"Hey! Where you going!?" Demanded Bob.  
"We're Exercising!' Called back Joe with his silver armor.  
The one with the Red armor, Fred, added, "Incase the main player shows up!"  
"That looks like fun!" Replied the Elite and ran after them.  
  
In the main dining room on the legendary level of the Maw, the bored group of Covenant stood around in the small space.  
Some from Halo2 were also here.  
"I'm bored..." Remarked the Hunter, called Ruk for simplicity. Being bored he turned and fired his fuel-rod gun at the closest nameless Grunt, to be precise #1180561850.  
"Don't do that!" Cawed the cranky Prophet as he whacked the Hunter on the head, "Respect the NPCs!!!"  
The Blob Technician from the book turned and spoke in a series of 'bloop' sounds.  
"I think he's hungry." Said one of the Jackals, Barry.  
Larry, the other Jackal added, "Can we go raid the human supplies now?"  
"NO!" Replied the Prophet and whacked Larry on the head, "Humans Bad!"  
"Whatever said that?" Asked Ruk.  
"It's in our AI programming!" Called Ruk, "But I don't wanna fight the MC! He's boring and he respawns! He CANT'T DIE!!!"  
"....Pessimist." Racked Barry.  
"You blame him?" Replied the other twin.  
The Prophet whacked them both.  
Then the Grunts ran through, followed by the elite.  
Everyone watched them run through the room to an opposite corridor of the level.  
The Jackals looked at one another and started running too, covering their heads for no apparent reason.  
Ruk sighed, "And they say AIs never get bored..."  
The Prophet whacked him with the cane, "Mind your manners!"  
"Hey, You're only a meter tall! How can you hit me?" Asked the Hunter, who was currently at his extended height of twelve feet.  
The Prophet hit him again, "Never underestimate the power of text!"  
  
However as the group ran to a corridor they looked out and saw an approaching Banshee.  
"Oh Damn! The Cinema started!"  
Spontaneously several Flood fighter forms spawned in the middle of the room.  
The Grunts looked at one another and raised their weapons.  
Joe was armed with the nifty Fuel-Rod Gun reject rifle, Fred had a Needler-  
-And Bob was stuck with a pistol.  
"PARTY!!" Cried Ninjio as he whacked one of the Flood and then fired into it's disfigured stomach.  
Joe pointed in some random direction and fired.  
The bolt slammed into the Master Chief player and annihilated him, along with fourteen infection blobs.  
"Nice shot! You killed the player in no less than fifteen seconds!" Called Ninjio as he whacked another form and fired again.  
Then Bob asked, "Er...can we run away now?"  
"Okay!" Replied the Elite as they all ran back for the room.  
  
When they got inside combat was still far away.  
"Hey wait a minute, aren't the flood supposed to be here?"  
"No. The level hasn't loaded yet." Replied Ruk.  
The Prophet hit him, "Mind your AI! He could be here at any second!"  
"Yeah but wouldn't you disappear? You don't' show up until Halo2." Said Fred.  
Larry and Barry ran back into the room and looked around, "Hey cool they're not here yet."  
Just then four Flood fighter forms, hordes of infection forms, and three walking bombs appeared.  
"....What was that human word again?" Bob asked.  
Ninjio Yelled it as he opened fire, "SHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"  
They all started fighting (Except the Prophet and the blob, who disappeared) and it lasted for six minutes until Bob declared, "I'VE HAD IT!!!"  
He tossed his Plasma pistol to the ground and cried out, "I'm SICK AND TIRED OF DYING AND BEING HERE! I QUIT!!!"  
The AI battle stopped and the Flood forms looked at Bob, as did the other Covenant.  
"I'm tired of getting blown up! I wanna go somewhere else!"  
"Yeah!" Added Joe, "This is boring!"  
"Whatever." Said Larry and Barry in unison.  
Ruk sent an Infection fighter flying before speaking, "I'm in too."  
Ninjio shrugged, "Whatever."  
"See ya guys!" The Covenant waved as they ran out of the room.  
The Flood forms stood around and one of them asked in their blobby voices, "Okay, now what do we do?"  
A winking grenade bounced into the center of them.  
"There's only one possible explanation for how that got there."  
"You mean-"  
"BLAM!!!"  
The Master Chief ran through the room and didn't concern himself for the absence of any Covenant in the room....  
  
Around a half-hour later the Master Chief had fought fire and flood (Literally) through an area of the Pillar of Autumn where no sane ship designer would build (Read: An excuse for a driving course) and was now closing on the remaining Interceptor.  
He fought his way through the flood, whacked aside the Nameless Elites and grunts, and ran for the platform-  
-only to see several Covenant already in the ship.  
But as he raised his rifle and blinked one of the Elites giving him the grand gesture, and one of the Grunts patting his but and a Hunter hopping up and down in the ship.  
Cortana's voice called as the ramp raised and closed, "Hey! Those guys shouldn't be in there! Who jacked with the story!?"  
As the door closed, words in English spray-painted onto the door became visible:  
We Quit  
Bye-Bye!  
The MC didn't know what killed him first- the Flood at the back of the room with a sniper rifle- the five Flood forms running at him in the cinematic, or the engine exhaust from the Interceptor that he should have been piloting.  
Needless to say, the green body of the Master Chief flew through the air and continued to flip as strategically-placed Covenant grenades kept him airborne.  
"Quick!" Called Bob to Larry and Barry in the flight seats, "Before he respawns and puts us back!"  
The Prophet and the technician were in the room, the Prophet once again gabbing about how much life sucked and the Technician floating ominously.  
Ruk was still hopping up and down, "WEE!!! CLANGY NOISES!!! WO-HO!!!"  
But then Ninjio found a bug in the model of the Fighter and altered the programming.  
Nobody ever saw a Hunter asleep- until now.  
Ruk was happily asleep, his model on the ground and curled up.  
"So how long until we're out of the story line?" Asked Larry.  
Barry pointed, "See the edge of that screen?"  
"Yeah?"  
"If we fly out of that then we should be fine."  
"...Oh....hey, isn't that some gamer dude?"  
"Looks like it. I hope he has insurance."  
  
The game player, mystified as to how the Covenant AIs were now light-years ahead of their expected intelligence, decided to call the help line and get some screenshots of this absurd act.  
But as he finished dialing his TV screen exploded as a life-sized Interceptor roared out of the remains of his television. Milliseconds later it blasted through a wall and then out into the air.  
"Dude..." The Gamer awed.  
  
"WOO-HOO!!!" Called Bob, "We're FREE!!!"  
"Well as Free as we can be." Ninjio said and then asked, "Say, when did you guys know how to fly a human spacecraft?"  
Barry held up the manual, "We're quick readers."  
"So how do you land it then?" Ninjio inquired.  
The two Jackals looked at one another and then at the game manual, "Er...how does it say you land this thing again?"  
"I think you need to press the B button and it should land by itself...." Barry said.  
The two Jackals looked around, "Where's the Red B key?"  
Ninjio walked to the cockpit and took the manual and looked at it, "YOU IDOTS!! THIS IS THE X-BOX CONTROLLER MANUAL!!"  
The Jackals looked at one another and then at the elite, "Well we're out..."  
"Yeah, only to die when this cinematic fighter crashes to the ground and explodes." Rumbled Ninjio.  
"I told you this would happen!" Squawked the Prophet, "But You didn't listen!"  
"Hey Bob, did you see that programming glitch?"  
"You can't put me to sleep, because I have upgraded programming!" Hawked the Prophet who was out of his purply floating concept seat.  
"Yeah and the Glitch is gone," Bob said, "We're in the real world now."  
"...Okay, can you find that ultra-useful material those humans keep advertising?"  
  
A moment later the old Prophet had been gagged with Duck-tape.  
Everyone was at the nose of the fighter and praying to whatever gods existed that they didn't crash and burn on this attempt to land somewhere in the realm of safety.  
"That looks like a soft stop!" Called Bob as he pointed at the large grass field.  
"Okay, we'll land there!" Replied Ninjio, "Everyone brace yourselves!"  
And the fighter landed like a feather.  
"Hey, that wasn't so bad...." Ninjio said and then asked, "Okay, everybody here?"  
Three Grunts, two Jackals, an Elite, a Hunter, a Prophet, and a Floating excuse for a Technician came out of the fighter onto the grass field.  
"Okay, NOW where are we?" Asked Fred.  
"Hey! What's that!?"  
They all turned to see a geodesic dome in the distance, with a large purple insignia on the side.  
"Let's go there!"  
The small group of Covenant ran, panicked, strode, floated, thundered, and complained to the dome.  
At the front gate inside were several large robots.  
"Hey!" Called Ninjio to the large green-ish one, "Can you tell us where we are!?"  
The Decepticon Devestator walked forward, "Hey, you guys are from Halo aren't you?"  
"....Yeah..." Answered Ninjio.  
"Well then you guys are at the Decepticon Rave dome." Devestator smirked, "And we're re-paining the interior right now-"  
"Yeah well," Said Bob, "We need a place to Crash! Any ideas?"  
Astrotrain, the larger Decepticon robot answered, "Well you guys could knock over the Autobot base-"  
"But they aren't in transformers!"  
Then Barry got an idea, "Hey guys! Let's go BUILD ourselves a base!"  
"...Out of what? Soda cans?"  
Ninjio laughed at that thought while Larry muttered, "Well we could-...nah..."  
"What?"  
"We can't get back into the game and grab a Cruiser to land could-"  
Just then a human in a UPS uniform appeared, "Excuse me, but we have a delivery for the Covenant?"  
"....What?" Bob asked and the covenant spun to face him.  
The Delivery person pointed up and sure enough a Covenant frigate was parked above them.  
"Hey! It's the Truth and Reconciliation!" Ninjio exclaimed.  
"Just sign here please." Said the Delivery person and Bob signed the thing and asked, "Who's this from anyway?"  
"Some guy called Unexpected. Y'know, I think he's Mayhem's brother. Well, gotta go." Said the Delivery person as he got into his small truck and drove away.  
The Covenant looked up at the large starship, now real and in the metal (Would I say flesh? Unless all Covenant ships are fleshy...but this is comedy, not theoretical rhetoric)  
"Er...does anyone know how we could put down the grav-lifts?" Ruk asked, "Otherwise, it's a long way up...."  
  
Some time later the Covenant found the bridge and pushed random buttons until the Covenant ship remained hovering over the water someplace.  
Here the Covenant troopers started to make 'modifications' to the ship's exterior.  
"So are we putting a sunroof in here?"  
"RUK NO!!!"  
"BLAM!!!!"  
After some...complications the covenant finished refitting their ship into the Covenant HQ.  
...Which now saw service as a gigantic floating billboard. Halo fans and fans of Coca-Cola alike cheered as the large Covenant spacecraft started making appearances over the San Francisco and the bay area advertising nearly everybody's favorite acid drink...excuse me, SOFT drink....  
On the bridge Ruk had dropped his Fuel-Rod gun and was happily pushing directional control buttons with his large fingers.  
Ninjio arrived on the bridge with his helmet off (Hey, what do the Elites look like with their helmets off? Huh. Guess we'll never find out...) and with some Pepsi blue in his hand.  
"Hey," Ruk greeted, "You wanna fly?"  
"No." Asked Ninjio, "I came here to ask about how we were flying."  
"We're flying good!" Rumbled Ruk as the Truth and Reconciliation once again flew towards the Deception rave dome, "And we're just in time!"  
"For what?" Asked Larry as he and Barry walked on to the bridge.  
"We've been invited to the Decepticon Rave party!" Ninjio said and shrugged, "Might as well stop by...."  
  
NOTE! Many of you Halo fans may not have a single clue as to what Transformers is. This is a Tie-in with my "Sleeping" Series over in the Transformers section. If you are too lazy or don't like transformers, simply nod your head and continue reading. Don't worry, not all of this is Transformers...  
  
"Oh you're the guys who landed here yesterday!" Recalled Devestator as the Covenant ran in.  
The Covenant looked up at him and then their watches.  
Bob called, "Yep! We got fr33 tickets!"  
"Ruk Sp34k 1337!!" Said the massive hunter and started to hop up and down again (Seriously! I've seen this in the Silent Cartographer level!)  
"Well you guys aren't on the Don't list, so come on in!" Replied Devestator.  
"Yay!" Cheered the meter-tall Grunts as they lead the group running into the Rave Dome.  
  
However moments later the power was cut.  
"What!?" Bob asked.  
Just as Sleeping was beginning to finish his finale to the Transformers fic, Ninjio got a call on his Cell-phone.  
"Hello?"  
"We know who you are. We demand you surrender."  
"Who the hell is this!?" Demanded Ninjio as he looked at the Phone.  
"We are....Microsoft. We have identified you as renegade computer sprites. Prepare to be mowed down like the pixels you are."  
Then the Phone went dead.  
"Er....what was that all about?"  
In a Dramatic pose, Ninjio looked off in the distance,   
"I think we're.....going to raid the snack bar before anybody notices!"  
Although the Decepticon rave dome had become popular in recent times, nobody was thoughtful enough to be watching the snack shack at the side. So, the Covenant left the battlefield with buckets of popcorn and slushies.  
"Hey that was easy!" Bob cheered, "Can't wait for more!"  
"YEAH!!!" Rumbled Ruk as he carried a barrel of Popcorn as big as he was.  
Then Ninjio heard a noise and looked around, "What's that!?"  
Bob turned his head to the sky and started sniffing.  
A Microsoft Pelican Drop Ship appeared on the grounds.  
"WHAT!?" Demanded Ninjio as he dropped his popcorn, "BUT HOW..."  
Marine Sprites left the Back of the Pelican and hopped into the Warthog with the Microsoft logo on the side. Guns fired and the Covenant dove out of the way of impending doom.  
"Now what!?" Asked Bob, as the Covenant didn't have their guns.  
Just then the Old Guy arrived via Gravity lift.  
"Eh? What's all this commotion?"  
He saw the Warthog making circles around the Covenant, guns blazing.  
The Prophet scowled as he hobbled over to the battle.  
The Covenant looked at each other as they were surrounded by an army of generic Master Chief sprites.  
"Damn! This is the end?!" Asked Bob, "I would have thought they did some surprise ending!"  
"Shh...here it comes."  
"What?"  
A Warthog flipped through the air and squashed a line of Master Chiefs.  
The Covenant turned to see the Prophet hobbling through the area with a cane.  
The Master chiefs opened fire, but everyone watched in amazement as the Prophet pulled off matrix-style bullet deflection.  
"MY GOD!!!"  
"There's a reason why he's lived this long!" Squealed Bob.  
Then they all watched in amazement as the Prophet seemed to pull mad skills from his armpit and kick ass with only his cane.  
By the end of the two minutes, the Microsoft forces were in full retreat, heading for their ships and flying back to the HQ.  
The Prophet humped and turned to them, "You should be ashamed of yourselves! They were easy!"  
The Covenant looked at each other and then at their watches, "Damn! It's late!"  
"Duh," Fred pointed out, "Rave parties go to four in the morning!"  
"What time is it now?" Asked Ruk.  
"....Four in the morning." Answered Ninjio.  
And so they returned to their ship and floated off into the great blue thing everybody calls the sky (Well...not for some people I know), weather another fiction was on the horizon or not had yet to be seen....  
  
----  
Fin.  
  
Well was it good or did it suck? I hope I didn't loose too many of you in this semi-crossover thingy. This is just a big experiment to see if I can make a Halo version of the humor in my 'Sleeping the Deception' stories that were a sorta big hit back in the Transformers section. Yeah. Blah. Whatever. 


End file.
